Homelessness and Home

(Written 6.2.10)   

         

           Ever since I can remember I’ve wanted to leave. Homelessness has been my home for a little over three decades. I wanted to escape from my mother’s house. I did. I wanted to escape from my country. I did. I wanted to escape from my marriage. I did. I wanted to escape from every relationship I ever had, either friendly, romantic, mother-daugher, father-daughter. I did. But I never actually left. Even if I did so physically, I carried the place I left from with me wherever I went. Cause the “wishing to escape” is nothing but the resistance to reconcile, to make amends, to forgive. We listen to our mind, floating at the surface of our being, and we think that’s who we are, when in actuality, that’s not who we are. That is just our conditioning. That is our “robotic” level, the one that is constructed in our 3D reality. The one that usually manages to veil our true identity. Our true self has already reconciled, made amends and forgiven, but will not reach out and shout to us, because it is kind enough, and gentle enough, and loving enough to let us remember all by ourselves. It is a matter of reaching into it, into ourselves, into our truth and wisdom. Not of our truth and wisdom to reach out to us. Can I ever give my eight year old boy the answers to his equations? Can I say the answer is 36, when he asks “mom, what’s three times twelve?” No! But I can guide him through it. I can say something like, “why don’t you make it into two equations. How much is three times ten? And if he hasn’t figured it out by then, I might push a little further: “three times two”? That would do it usually.

            Now, how many times did you make the wrong choice and afterwards you said: “I knew it!” Well, if you made the mistake, then maybe, just like me, you haven’t learned how to listen to and trust your intuition yet. And isn’t our intuition the guidance offered by our “true self that’s hanging in there somewhere” waiting for us to heed to the calling. Doesn’t every road, no matter how straight or curved, steep or downhill, short, long or seemingly endless lead to the same place? The place we came from? The place we never actually left? The place we always carry within and always remember on a conscious or an unconscious level? And aren’t the words “endless”, “left”, “back”, “first”, “last”, relative to our limited linguistic conditioning? How can something end, when it never begins? How can we leave a place, when we are always there? How can we go back to where we never departed from? How can there be a first and last of something that always is, always has been and always will be? Puzzling? Don’t get me started!

            Is “homelessness” an illusion? Have I killed myself over and over and over again over a falsity? Have I always been “home”? What is “home”? “Home is where your heart is”, they say. Where is my heart? Is it a piece of flesh or is it unconceivably larger than that? And what about my nind? Is there an aspect of it that's unlimited and "thought free"? They say we produce ... an outrageous number of thoughts per minute! Aren’t we thinking machines! They say we can replace the wrong tape with the right one. They say we can reprogram. I know it’s true because I’ve written about it and talked about it and seen others do it (sometimes after my motivation). And I know I’m resisting it! In this 3D reality that we chose to tread we need our mind. And if our mind has been conditioned since our birth to think negatively, then… it can do that “forever” for all it cares.

            I have a language issue at the moment. I keep scrutinizing everything I say. I keep filtering every thought through my “default belief” machine! Everything seems like a default belief to me. Even the new, corrected beliefs! We've built a "self" on lies, so it's only natural that we don't know who we are. They tell us "fear not, you should love yourself". But it's only natural to be afraid. I would replace that with "be patient and gentle with yourself, you are learning who you really are".

            I’m not looking for help through this blog. I’m practicing my life purpose to assist in shifting consciousness. Nothing gives me more joy than knowing that I have activated a memory in a person. I’m also looking to share. I’m tired of talking to myself. I want to talk to others. I want to talk to you. And I want to hear your voice because it’s getting a bit lonely in my head. I’m reaching out!